Food for thought... and sex

Before heading down to Chinatown to celebrate Chinese New Year, I flipped on the TV to pass some time while Brett hygiened himself. I mistakenly went to channel 42, thinking it was Comedy Central, to watch the weekly South Park episode. There were some obnoxious commercials, for which I had no will to endure, so I reached for Brett's laptop and opted for some internet-ing until South Park returned. Obviously South Park never came back. I had, unbeknownst to me, instead, given 3.5 minutes of my precious secondary attention to TNT's advertising department! I acted quickly to rectify this inconsequential, yet inexcusable, incursion. (I'm a very picky regulator of background distractions, whether it be music, TV, boyfriend, etc.) After a few clicks north on the remote, my (unfairly) misappropriated attention - and time - were given due compensation with a satisfying episode of South Park.

Comedy Central was airing "D-Yikes," the one where Mr(s) Garrison becomes a lesbian. Even though I had seen it several times, the wanton racial stereotyping (re: Mexicans and Persians) hardly gets old. Unfortunately, I had missed most of the episode after losing 3.5 minutes of my life! (in all truthiness, I did start watching at 10:20) But luckily, I caught it in time to see the best scene where Mr(s) Garrison teaches Xerxes how to scissor!, aka Lesbian sex.

Good times. Anywho... South Park promptly ended and Reno 911! just as quickly (and unfortunately) began. I may have actually groaned. Out loud. I really hate turning to Comedy Central when I want to watch South Park and Reno 911! is on. I can't say I've ever watched more than 5 minutes of the show, but I have no problem passing unsubstantiated judgment on it. In case you couldn't already tell, I really hate that show! The only piece I'll concede is, I sorta like watching the gay cop in hot pants. Not because he's particularly hot (he's not hot at all), but because his character is mildly funny and his homoerotic escapades, are, well, homoerotic : ) So rather than turn off the TV altogether, I decided I'd keep it on to catch a few glimpses of hot-pants cop and his intrigues.

As I'm sitting there, surfing the net, listening to Reno 911! in the background, I hear "Alright, who stuck their penis in the peanut butter jar?!"

Penis? Peanut Butter!? The combination of those two words in one sentence, let alone even one, is enough to seize primary attention. The scene wore on, the joke got old, and my willingness to pay attention diminished. I was, however, left with some food for thought.

Would it feel good to stick your dick in a jar of Peanut Butter?

The writers for Reno 911! certainly thought so. I mean, these are probably the same type of guys that have experience doing random shit like this during their longed-for frat years. But hey, I'm not elitist, I'd entertain the idea of sticking my penis in peanut butter just as much as i would caviar or grey poupon. I turned to Brett, who was getting changed at this point, to ask him what he thought of the scintillating scenario. He blurted a quick, "No." I pondered a slew of possibilities for why it might not feel good, yet I remained unconvinced. I asked him to explain.

Brett gave a few winces and incoherent umms. I prodded, and he ummed some more. Having much reluctance to volunteer a cogent answer, I probed more bluntly, "you think it would be like pressing into a brick wall?" He grinned, and said yes. I hadn't ever considered the possibility of peanut butter being impenetrable, but I suppose his point had some validity. After all, peanut butter's high viscosity would more than likely stay clumpy without providing desirable levels of friction.

Even though the question was resolved, a larger quandary remained. Which food would be fun to stick one's penis in? We quietly ruminated to ourselves, but as soon as our eyes met, our faces lit up and the answer became obvious.

"Jelly!"


Update: When I retold Dan this story, his first reaction, "Don’t you dare stick your penis in my peanut butter!"